


Auror Alert: Archie is a Bean Thief

by Doreling



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, The Rigel Black Chronicles - murkybluematter
Genre: Archie is a troll, Crack, Gen, Inspired by The Rigel Black Chronicles, Let Rigel Say Fuck, Whack, beelze i love you this is for you, chaotic chaotic alignment, harry b like: "i shall finally have my RE-VANGE", references to starbrigid's The Mirror Of Ecidyrue, this is not based on that reddit bean story, uhhh some pretty heavy swearing and name calling, when HArchie actually act like siblings
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-17
Updated: 2021-01-17
Packaged: 2021-03-14 19:34:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 1,213
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28800657
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Doreling/pseuds/Doreling
Summary: i look at our fandom and think to myself, we need more 'HArchie acting like siblings' fics. so I wrote some.y'know that malcolm in the middle episode where Malcolm and Reese get in this huge revenge/prank war because Malcolm ate Reese's blueberry? this is that
Relationships: Arcturus Rigel "Archie" Black & Harriet Potter | Rigel Black
Comments: 6
Kudos: 21





	1. R.I.P. Archie

**Author's Note:**

  * For [beelzebubble_tea](https://archiveofourown.org/users/beelzebubble_tea/gifts).
  * Inspired by [The Pureblood Pretense](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/39096) by murkybluematter. 



> no i will not explain further reasoning behind writing this :)

Archie ate my FUCKING BEANS and I litcherally CANNOT EVEN with him right now

HE KNEW they were mY BEANS and he ATE THEM LIKE THE FUCKING SLUT THAT HE IS

This bitch, this absolute whore, ate my fucking beans and I am going to pee on his pillow in retaliation

I made myself a nice lunch of beans, but I had to finish something really quick, and I told him, “hey, don’t touch my beans, I’ll be right back”

I come back upstairs, and what do I see? _WHAT DO I SEE????_? this ABSOLUTE MOTHERFUCKER LOOKS ME IN THE EYES AS HE EATS THE LAST OF MY BEANS. THERE ARE NO MORE BEANS IN THE HOUSE

HE WILL RUE THE DAY HE CROSSED ME

this is an outrage

mum will be on my side, and I _know_ she will help me

archie will be tasting beans for the rest of the week, if not the year

i will curse his entire bloodline so that every dinner and dessert and snack will taste like beans

he will die lonely with the taste of beans on his tounge, and i will spit out the taste of betrayal on his grave

he will fear me, as he rightfully should, and know that crossing me means a fate worse than death

okay nevermind mum says I cant curse his bloodline

but she is going to help me curse his tounge, with the stipulation that it only lasts for seven days

i can live with that

(she also took me to get more beans, and i now have a stockpile in the kitchen, and it’s warded for me only)

mum is great and i love her

what would i do without mum

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was really hard to write oml I had to turn off like all of my autocorrect functions and BOY was that a pain
> 
> i hope u appreciate me spending more time turning those off than I did writing this <3 S2


	2. Real Culprit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> why archie had to do it to 'em

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is for Candy, who loves TMOE 
> 
> i love you

do i regret eating harry’s beans? no

do i regret her retaliation? possibly

do i enjoy tasting beans for three days? absolutely not

harry had this coming though, she insulted Imoogi, Black Family Protectorate of Small Childeren, Moste Loyale of All Great Wyrms, Champion of Lonely Boys, Friend of All Younglings and Infants Alike

she said her title was too long for such a small dragon

pfffffffttfttf harrys brain is too small for her to comprehend the majesticness and grace and blessings bestowed upon us by her Moste Potente Highness, Imoogi, Black Family Cuddlebuddy, Official Mascot of the Lonely Childerens Club, Queen of the Realm of Imaginary Beings

not to mention, harry said it to HER FACE HOW COULD SHE DO THIS TO IMOOGI, EPITOME OF _REINCARNATED HEROES, **LOVER OF JUSTICE**_

so really, if harry didn’t want me to defend the honour of Imoogi, Dragon of All Our Hearts, Princess of Love, Bringer of Togetherness, she shouldn’t have been an outright meanie head

so really harry, boo you bean-whore, slut to the legumes

i am always fucking morally right on this and i will die on this hill so help me i will hex you

dad loves me and Imoogi, Lady of Light, Stuffie of our Hugs, Defender of Feelings

he’ll help me prank her so fucking hard she’ll be lucky if she ever feels her bones again

dad says he of course loves me but permanently turning my cousin into a doll is not as funny as i think it is

he made no comment on how much he loves Imoogi, Stalwart Companion of His Childhood, Surrogate Sibling Of Reggie While He Traitorously Left For Hogwarts

i just need to break into her bean hoarde


	3. Civilian Casualties Are Not Acceptable

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> oh shit oh fuck sirius getting involved always leads to disaster, DAD I TOLD YOU THAT RUNE LOOKED OFF

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you Candy for the suggestions

oh shit oh fuck aunt lil is gonna fucking kill me

i may have accidentally on purpose lay a curse on all beans that are cooked in the kitchen of Potter Place, because Lily’s wards are mega fucking strong and i couldn’t break into harry’s bean stash and plus also she was on the lookout for me messing with the beans

but i got dad to help with laying the specifics of the runes into the underside of all the pots in the kitchen, so that any beans cooked in said pots would be cursed

and ah

we may have miscalculated on harry’s love of beans

and forgotten about uncle remus

who is also a fan of beans, though he prefers green beans

i thought he was gonna be eating his balcony’s bounty fresh

he did not

so ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,harry may have possibly known id retaliate

i think she switched kitchen cookware between all our houses

anyways

uh

remus is currently lost at his place, i hope Uncle James can find him when he gets home from work, because Aunt LILY IS JUST YELLING AT ME AND DAD INSTEAD OF LOOKING WHERE SHES STEPPING OH FUCK WHERE DID HE RUN OFF TO REMUS IM SORRY

im fucking dead

goodbye cruel world

oh gods i hope he doesn’t try to get after me, because he has like a bajillion years of pranking experience and i am just a little boy

~~dad help plz~~


	4. Previously, on Paranoid Sisters

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> how the casualty was set up  
> totally completely unintentional remus  
> how could i have known you would be a victim here

ARCHIE IS A GODS-DAMNED FOOL IF HE THOUGHT HE COULD CURSE ME

i am not the size of a bean, but his brain certainly is

so there, fuck you

what a moron, did he really think that having us eat over at Remus’ and have Sirius help Mum with baking chocolate goods all day, to celebrate Remus’s ‘furry little problem reveal confession’ anniversary, wouldn’t be suspicious as hell?

of fucking course it is

Sirius usually has _DAD_ help him with the chocolate confectionaries, not _mum_

utter idiots, the lot of those Blacks,

so yeah, i _may have_ shuffled all the cookware around our collective houses while everyone thought I was having a shit in the bathroom. That wasn’t me they heard in there, but they sure do think it was, which is the really important detail here

so what if Algernon isnt speaking to me right now, it was for ~~MY~~ our collective safety

besides, how long can a cat hold a grudge?

i also have acquired archie’s pillow, and replaced it with my own, so when Algernon is on the warpath later, it’ll be ARCHIES PILLOW THAT GETS THE WRATH OF ALGERNON

though i will still need to change my sheets oof

actually i should switch up the flatware too, now that i think about it, he probably hexed my favorite fork, the bitchbaby

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Algernon the cat is from (The Completely Unwilling Participants on) The Bachelor by cgner and GhostofBambi here on AO3  
> it's the lovliest of fics, u should totes go read it


	5. MIA: one furry uncle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I AM TOO SMART BITCHES, BEHOLD MY MORAL SUPERIORITY
> 
> also dad please watch your step  
> we dont know how small remus is right now

so i guess my self preservation tactics only work when ive made sure there are no others in the way of harm

rip remus, you will be sorely missed

besides, its archies fault, not mine

also, mum, please don’t let Algernon out of the house right now, from what Sirius is blubbering he might eat Remus

hopefully dad knows how to look for Cursed And Missing Uncles Without Accidentally Stepping On Them

good news! Archie’s pillow will now forever and always stink of Algernon’s organic waste disposal tactics

one successful battle, (while i did not personally pee on his pillow, his pillow has been the recipient of urine, so really, that’s a success)

who looks stupid now, stupid? you do!

now to win the war: Operation Pee Archie’s Pants, or Also Known As ‘Make Archie A Butt-Trumpet’

i claim no responsibility to the safety of any of those of the House of Black, but i _will_ aid in Retrieving Our Moste Belov-ed Uncle From The Doom-ed Shoes And Careless Walking Of The Big-Folk

**Author's Note:**

> this was really hard to write oml I had to turn off like all of my autocorrect functions and BOY was that a pain
> 
> i hope u appreciate me spending more time turning those off than I did writing this


End file.
